Happy Tuesday, y’all.
It’s Table Topic time and, with Winter Storm Leon barging through, this question is apropos:
Would I? Heck-to-the-yeah. I would live in summer all the days. Summer means there’s no school bell to beat in the mornings, sangria is in season and there are no cold toilet seats (I’m looking at you, Winter).
Right now, I’m on a plane, wearing two pair of socks and high-top tennies because, when I land in New York City, it’s going to be 17 degrees. That just sounds like an immature, angry, awful temperature. I can’t feel my feet. And feet were meant to be free!
Each season does have its redeeming gems. Winter means boot slippers. (I know I just said that feet should be free, but they should never be freezing). Spring has red clay and peanuts and cracker jacks. And Fall? Mickey. Pumpkins.
But no other season promises as much fun and mischief and warmth as summer.
I love my friends’ responses this week and I know you will, too.
You can argue with me all you want on this. You can state your case with science and facts. But, believe me when I tell you that the ONLY season that is not actively trying to kill the human race… is summer. Summer is the only acceptable season.
If you say you love the winter, then I’m concerned for you as a person, because obviously you don’t have skin on your body. There are animals that spend a whole year preparing to sleep through winter, just to avoid it. Imagine actively trying to double your body weight all year so that you could pass out like a coma patient to AVOID A SEASON because that is what nature intended. I know we, as people don’t do that – because somehow we’ve evolved beyond it or whatever – but more and more, year after year, hibernation looks like a viable option. All I’m saying is why don’t we just kick it biologically old school for a year… and see what happens. Could it be any worse than… you know… WINTER IS! Winter is attacking us right now with a Polar Vortex. I don’t know what that is, but with a name like that the streets should be filled with people fleeing in horror while others stand paralyzed in fear. It sounds like a super villain invented it. It sounds like the title of a show J.J. Abrams is producing. Why is no one hitting the panic button about something called a POLAR VORTEX!? I wore a Tauntaun to work on Friday!
Spring is round two of the assault – advanced now by chemical warfare. Have fun not breathing properly for eight weeks. There is so much pollen in the air that I don’t even go outside anymore. Why waste time slowly setting my lungs ablaze when I can do it in one shot! Instead of wheezing like Vader for eight hours, I just start my day by huffing a bag of flower until I have a coughing fit and pass out. Then, I wake up the next day on my kitchen floor and do it again. Natural law has somehow made spring the time of reproduction, where we should be cozying up to our loves, flourishing with romance, vigor, and life. Yet, everyone around us looks like snot covered 3-year-olds… making snorting noises like a beached manatee with asthma. All spring long people just ooze from the face like they opened the Ark of the Covenant, and for all that is good and holy people just blow their noses on anything they can get their hands on – napkins, sleeves, kittens… babies. How is anyone supposed to want to make out with the person next to them when their face is a yuck waterfall?And, the fall is not a season at all. It is ALL the seasons. In one day during the fall you can experience every temperature in 12 hours. There is no fall coat or jacket. It doesn’t exist. All you have to cover yourself with is the enveloping sense of failure you experience as soon as you walk outside and realize everything you’re wearing is wrong. And, by the time you change, it won’t matter. The weather will have changed so much, you’ll be wrong again. It’s hot, it’s cold, you’re roasting, you’re freezing – you’re sweating buckets while sleet comes down from the sky. Fall is not a season. It’s malaria. But why should any of us trust the weather during fall? Fall gives us no reason to believe in it. Because, really, how can we trust a season that has two names. Autumn, anyone? Fall is so shady, it has an ALIAS! Dr. Jekyll is less bipolar than fall.
Summer is the only acceptable season. The sun’s rays actually give you vitamins. Nutrients from the sky! It’s true universal healthcare… because it comes FROM THE UNIVERSE! Global warming is a very real thing… and I’m all for it.
If by season, the reference is weather, then yes; spring time all year please. I love the hot but not too hot climate.
Any other season; probably not.
I like to divide my year into sports seasons: and it’s nice when they merge from one to the next. Baseball season, football season, the smidge of time we are in now which I call the in between baseball/football when all we have to watch is hockey and basketball (well until
NASCAR starts back in February anyway).
And while I love Christmas and the holiday season I think I might go bananas with year round lights, music and mall Santa Claus.
You know that saying, “the grass is always greener on the other side”? Or that other saying , “you always want what you can’t have”? Or that other other saying, “Every great love starts with a great story.”?The last one is from The Notebook and it doesn’t apply. Also, if anyone asks, I’ve never seen The Noteb… actually, screw that. I have seen The Notebook and I was super suave. It was my third date with my ex, THE EX, the one that hovers above all future and ex-exes, and we were planning on seeing a movie. When we got in the car I looked at her and said, “why don’t we just grab a pizza and I’ll go buy The Notebook, since I’ve never seen it.” Speechless, she nodded in agreement. Awesome story short, we cuddled as the Gos won, lost and re-won the McAdams. Then, you know that part where future-old lady McAdams finally remembers non-cenile Gos and asks her to dance? I turned to my girlfriend and asked her to dance. And we did. By the side of my bed. Hashtag romance.That’s called going off on a tangent while simultaniously playing to your demographic. (Ladies, I’m currently single.)Where I was going with the first two phrases is that I always want to be in the season that I’m not presently in. Right now, like most people, I can’t wait until I’m able to break out the tank top (though, not in the office because they have been banned by my SVP). In the Fall, I can’t wait for Spring, and vice versa.I’ve lived in one season in two different places; L.A. and Florida. It’s not great. Sure, it’s sunny all the time, there’s no -20 degree temperatures and I can always feel my toes, but I always find myself wishing a leaf would change color or that I could buy some cool winter clothes like a vintage Starter jacket.I want to live in all of the seasons.Except for Winter, Summer, Spring and Fall.
Can we all agree on something? Fall is not a season. It’s a time of year. Fall is much bigger than a season. The way it feels, and the way I feel in it makes it bigger.The best Fall exists just outside Buffalo in my hometown, East Aurora. My favorites are the familiar faces bundled up in scarves they probably knitted themselves. The thick boots that find their place in the mudroom again. The misty breath you can see before you begin speaking. The crunchy brown leaves in my favorite park that we have to step on because that’s what Fall sounds like. The full mugs of early-morning coffee that feel like something special rather than routine. The best running is in the Fall when the muscles are the perfect temperature of chilled but strong. When you’re in shorts and a tank and a hat and gloves. It’s a runner thing, and I miss it. I feel at home in Fall. I could write a book about Fall. Gush aside, I think I answered the question. I would live in Fall forever if I lived in East Aurora, and I would bring everyone with me so you could feel it, too.