Table Topic Tuesday. 2/4.

It’s Table Topic Tuesday time. And the survey says:

WHAT FIVE FOODS DO YOU WISH WERE BANISHED FROM THE EARTH?

It’s a little absolute, I know. So I apologize if I banish something you can’t live without.

#1. My first answer (read: gag reflex) is eggs. Ew. The thought of them, smell of them, taste, texture, existence of them as a food source, completely icks me out. I don’t remember when I first hated on eggs, but I’ve never looked back.

I do love cake—cupcakes, breakfast cake, birthday cake—as much as I hate eggs. I’m just in denial that those globes of gross have ever been cracked into any batter.

#2. Milk. I just don’t dig it. Cold. Warm. Chocolated. Strawberried. Just no.

But I heart ice cream, yogurt, cheese. Hello, cheese. And I also take a little coffee with my half & half. Go figure.

#3. Bologna. What a mystery of a meat. Just look at the way it’s spelled and pronounced. A hodge podge of rejected meat pressed together into a perfect circle? No, thank you.

#4. Bone marrow. I tried it. I didn’t like it.

#5. Candy corn. Okay. I’m the kid who would often trade her sandwich for a friend’s dessert in the lunchroom (sorry, Mom). I love cake for breakfast (see #1). I have sweet teeth. So, I haven’t met many sweets I didn’t want seconds of.

Candy corn does not equal candy. Or corn. Is it even edible? It’s colored, triangular wax posing as a treat. Beware, kids.

Now, to detox from all that yuckiness, here is some delicious food for thought:

Screen Shot 2014-02-04 at 1.07.14 PM
Disney Digression

Lindsay‘s up! She says:

There aren’t a lot of foods that make me squeamish. None that I’m truly revolted by except one: Olives. Nothing is more offensive than a bowl full of olives. Strike that. State fair funnel cakes are pretty foul. But I can live with those. Olives, on the other hand, are sneaky little buggers that have been ruining salads for the history of ever. Did you know that olives are actually in the fruit family? That poor, poor family. A perfectly delicious reputation stained by the ugly little step children. And they really are ugly. The green ones have eyes. If I had to banish a certain food from the universe, that’d be the first to go. I can’t even think of four more that I’d get rid of; all this olive talk has messed with my brain.

olives

Javi says:

I love to eat. I eat without question. Without emotion. Without judgment or prejudice. More machine than man, I have the power to devour. However, there are foods that do not belong. They have coerced their way into the realm of human consumption without warrant, purpose or function. But, no more. I’m taking a stand. For myself. For my children. For my food, my future… my freedom. These five foods… I banish thee.

Candy Corn: It is neither of those things. How can you name something two NOUNS and that thing is neither of those things? People get sued over that stuff. It’s more of a lie than it is food. Plus, what kind of monster names a candy after a vegetable? Who exactly do you think you are fooling candy corn? The jig is up. You’re gross. And, for those of you who refuse to join me in my crusade against candy corn ask yourself one question: In the next few hundred years, when the world candy treaties are signed across a unified globe of nations, what side of history will you be on?

Tea:

ME: Hey, watcha’ drinkin’?

YOU: Tea.

ME: What’s that?

YOU: Well, I brought some water to a boil. Then drop this small bag full of leaves and twigs in the water to soak, and then I drink it.

ME: You put a bag of mulch in your water?

YOU: It’s not mulch. It’s leaves and sticks and…

ME: [staring]

YOU: It’s not mulch!

ME: So, you’re drinking scalding hot, dirty water?

YOU: It’s not dirty water. Well, it is, technically… but not the way you think it is.

ME: I don’t understand… did you lose a bet or something?

YOU: No! Stop it! Tea is good for you. Want to taste it? It’s called Green Dream Baby Laugh.

ME: …

Black Licorice: It’s just melted down old tires, right? It’s what’s left over and gathered in landfills when environmental criminals burn piles of tires. It’s not even food. It’s a byproduct of illegal behavior. Besides, food has to give your body something of substance or value. The only thing I’ve ever experienced after mistakingly eating a bite of black licorice was a week of night terrors. When people accidentally eat black licorice they react like they’ve been shot with a poison dart in the tongue. But, there is always someone you know that has some crazy second cousin or distant relative that loves black licorice, and that family charges the neighborhood kids a nickel each to watch him eat it without dry heaving.

The Pecan: No one can pronounce it. Say pecan. Nope, you’re wrong. Keep saying it. You’re still wrong. God forbid you say pecan in front of another living soul. Say pecan in earshot of anyone and that person will be whole heartedly compelled to correct you in some overly pedantic way like they have a PHD in nut grammar.  “Its not pecaaaahhhhaaannnneeeee. It’s peeeecccooouuugghhhnnneee.” Pecan has 5 letters in it, is pronounced with 18 letters (6 of which are silent), and is broken down into 12 syllables.

Banana Now & Laters: Not now. Not later. Not ever. It’s not a candy. It’s not a food. It is a personal affront. If someone presented me with a banana flavored Now & Later, I’d fight them. I would slap that horribly offensive gelatinous square out of their awful little carny hands and challenge them to fistacuffs. Imagine if a panda cub approached you riding the back of a baby elephant. Think of how incapably cute and arrestingly adorable that would be. And then that panda cub extended its wonderful little panda cub arms, and opened its little panda paws to reveal a rainbow of light. And then, the elephant, with it’s baby trunk reaches into the rainbow of light and presents you with a banana flavored Now & Later. Imagine the spectacular nature of it all. The indescribable beauty. The joy that such an event might bring to children. To adults. To the world. I’d punch that panda in its adorable panda face.

Your turn. Speak up. What food would you banish?

Table Topic Tuesday. 12/10.

Happy Tuesday! It’s Table Topic time.

I let Lindsay choose this week. She picked a doozy (smart girl). You ready?

IN YOUR OPINION, WHAT ARE THE SEVEN WONDERS OF THE WORLD?

My answers are valid today only. I’ll be wondering about new wonders tomorrow.

Here are my seven.

1. THE ELF ON THE SHELF

This footless, frozen-faced sprite freaks me out a little bit. I mean, let’s call him what he is. He’s a spy. A bribing spy. And there are entire Pinterest pages and blogs and sites encouraging this mischief.  We’re drinking the eggnog, too. The boys love our Adam Winston Adams. So far this season, he’s wrapped an entire toilet in Christmas paper, gone fishing for goldfish in the sink and taunted me with unblinking, plastic eyes to one-up yesterday’s stunt. I kinda want to send him to tinsel oblivion. Can I get a witness?

elf

2. MACHU PICCHU

The most haunting corner of the universe I’ve ever seen.

3. LEFTOVERS

Does this sound like a let down after Machu Picchu? Well, on a day when you had a banana for breakfast on the way to the office and you work straight through lunch and don’t realize it until 4pm, you come home to find that you have enough leftovers to feed all of you for dinner? Like, dinner’s done. You just have to heat it up.

Boo-yaka-sha.

4. SEX

(And I’ll just leave that one right there.)

5. SALTED CARAMEL

It’s salty. It’s sweet. Crunchy. Gooey. It’s everything.

6. WALT DISNEY WORLD

Where else can you walk around the world in an afternoon, ride a safari, ride a monorail, eat a turkey leg, eat a dole whip, see fireworks and every matching T-shirt ever made? Where else can you take a seat in the dueling piano bar, a pool bar, on a roller coaster, at a show or by a Swan? Where else can you complete the ultimate Grand Slam? You can bike, you can boat, you can fly. The music, the detail, the magic. The spell of the place is real.

Disney Digression
Disney Digression

7. LOVE

Love that has a work dinner and stops on the way home to get you a chestnut coffee—the kind you would never get because of calories and pennies—the kind you love the most.

Love that sees you come in the door and drops everything to run towards you, full-speed, arms wailing, towards you.

Love that finds your hand before putting one toe on the parking lot asphalt.

Love that always pulls the sun up each morning. The Love that lights the way. Wonder-full.

Lindsay says:

Seven wonders? I wonder about a lot of things. Here are some that break the top ten.

1. Two “Us” in the word Vacuum. It’s not right, it’s downright confusing, and it’s the reason I was ousted from round one in the third grade spelling bee. It still hurts.
2. Spinners on a ’91 Impala. No.
3. Unsubscribe confirmation emails. Thanks for reminding me I don’t ever want to receive emails from you again. Again.
4. Kids on leashes. Pay attention to and love your children? Or, rope them up like bomb-sniffing K-9s?
5. Drivers that leave their blinker on for 15 miles after switching lanes. Are you going to make use of the shoulder in a little bit or are you purposefully taunting me? I might seizure right there at 10 and 2.
6. English tutoring flyers with spelling errors. Let’s pretend like I didn’t do this once. Or twice.
7. Phone calls on speakerphone. In public. The best use of a cell phone for these people is in off mode, buried in a pocket, never to be turned on, ever.
Lindsey says:
1) Cinderella’s castle
2) Common sense. I wonder every day if it exists.
3) Akashi kaikyo bridge in Japan. Scary stuff.
4) The Grand Canyon
5) The Chanel tunnel (Chunnel)
6) The Great Pyramids
7) The Internet
And Javi says:

The Seven Wonders of the World are an ever-evolving list of amazing feats of man. Even with all of our technology, knowledge, study, and documented history, man still struggles to explain how many of these wonders in fact came to be or what there original purpose was.  They are as follows.

  1. Every John Mayer Album

It’s the same album every time, right? Has someone been smashing crazy pills into my pop tarts in the morning? It’s the same song over and over on every album! Every song is barely audible guitar and the creepy whisper of John Mayer saying things about your body being compared to ferris wheels or something. The fact that a man can consistently dupe the world into somehow buying the same thing over and over and believing it is something different is amazing. It’s crazy. It’s baffling. I don’t understand it. Scientists who have spent their whole careers studying auditory effects on the human brain don’t understand it. I mean, play two John Mayer songs right now. Do it. It’s the SAME SONG! He’s like some kind of whispery warlock. A WONDEROUS whispery warlock… with a touch of creepster … but none the less A WONDEROUS whispery warlock.

  1. Wyoming

It doesn’t exist. Have you ever been to Wyoming? Have you ever met anyone from Wyoming? Have you even heard of a news story out of Wyoming? No, you haven’t. Because it is not there. Wyoming is Native American for “empty land”, or “wendigo valley”. Some of you might rebuttal with statements you feel in your heart are compelling arguments like “I drove through there” or “I’ve been to a ranch there.” False. You’ve been lied to. You were in Montana. Maybe, Nebraska. Wyoming is not a place. It is a square. Look at it! It is a perfect square. That’s not a state. It is just a shape. A WONDEROUS shape.

  1. Candy Corn

All candy corn was made in 1956. All of it. Every kernel of corn. Candy corn is made of equal parts orange candle wax, melted mannequins from the 40’s, and a touch of broken dreams of children to add the flavor of something that tastes sweet, yet horribly sad and inedible. After candy corn is bought it is traditionally displayed in pastel porcelain dishes in the most depressing environments imaginable – a doctor’s waiting room, that dusty table in your office building that so few people use you would think it was freaking haunted, or a DMV window. The pastel dish helps trap in the surrounding sadness, and harness it to the candy corn to preserve it for the following years distribution. Nothing is a better natural preservative than sadness. After a few months, the candy corn is collected by candy corn associates in the shroud of darkness, and repackaged for the following year.

  1. Stonehenge

Possibly the biggest and most famous henge ever. It is a henge among henges. The bar that all other henges must compare themselves. And, the main reason Stonehenge has earned it’s rightful place on this list is because of the deep mystery surrounding it – often inspiring soul defining questions raised when people visit and stand in its majestic hengy presence. Questions heard time and time again by those who come and visit the henge year after year. Questions like, “Dude, does this place make your brain just go (explosion noise)… or what?” or “What button do I press on this camera… seriously I feel like I’m disarming a bomb?” or “Why did your father take us here?” and “I bet these people were ‘Stoned-henge’, get it?”

  1. Bounce Houses

Do you know what goes on in bounce houses? The bending of all things known in thermodynamics. Know these facts: It is almost impossible to follow the movements of a 3- to 4-year-old. Now give them the gift of partial flight! Plus, kids that age have this innate ability to increase their own gravity ten fold when they do that thing where their bodies go limp, and picking them up is more difficult than trying to hoist an oiled bar of gold. If we, as a species, could harness the power of a room filled with flying children, crashing against each other with the weight of a thousand suns we could solve the energy crisis. Bounce houses are like the Hadron Collider, but made of children. So much danger. So much wonder.

6. Miley Cyrus’ Tongue
Where’s it going? What’s it doing? Did you see what it did there? Oh jeeze, no please don’t do tha – GROSS! Why can’t I stop looking? Eeewwww, look! If I cover my eyes will you just give me a play by play of what it is doing? Ugh. It’s doing it again! It’s still doing it? Make it stop! No! NO! I’m not looking anymore. Someone keep an eye on it. What do you mean it disappeared? Oh god no. Is it gone? It’s GONE?! Are we safe? Seriously, did someone see where it went? I don’t want make any sudden moves until we know it is for sure gone. I think it was pointing me out… I think it might know where I live. What if it shows up at my door, you guys? C’mon, that’s not funny! Alright, fine. I’ll relax. But, just please keep an eye out for – AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!

  1. The Internet

Rushing you info like a beer bong for your brain, the Internet is our teacher, mother, friend and lover. It does nothing but give. We choose what to receive and, in turn, give back. The relationship you build there, cradled in its cyber arms, is of your own doing. It is at fault for nothing. It merely provides us all entry into something greater. All that has been, could be, and will be. It is pure. And, when I send these words off into the ether, and sully the wonder of the Internet with their inane constitution, and someone stumbles upon them, and in turn, becomes less of a person for doing so, the Internet allows me to give a pre-emptive apology. I’m sorry.

Okay. Your Seven Wonders. Go.